Idiot

The World does funny things to a man. It can take forever, but once your eyes are open, once something has been seen. It can’t be unseen. This image, this idea, it spreads through you like a virus. It may start out real small, this nagging feeling in the back of your head trying to tell you something. But at some point it takes over your thoughts.

 I take a long good draw from my cigarette, looking at the girl sitting on the bed next to me, my friend. I’ve know her for a while now, hell, sometimes it feels like I’ve known her most of my life. We weren’t talking to each other. Not because we we’re in a stiff or something. It was just that neither of us knew what to say. She’d just came by out of the blue tonight. She never did that. But it was a pleasant surprise. I finished my smoke, poured myself a drink and went to sit next to her on the bed. Although she wasn’t here just to visit lonesome old me. No, she was here because I’m the only one that got what she was going through that didn’t judge her, or ask stupid questions just to satisfy my own damn curiosity.
 She smiled at me, god she had a beautiful smile. ‘I love you, I told her.’ I wasn’t lying either. ‘I know you do.’ she said ‘I love you to’. That made me smile, I wasn’t told that a lot, besides from my mum of course. ‘Anyhow, how’s the old love life going.’ She asked. I told her about this guy I had a date with, and this girl I’ve kind of been seeing. ‘That’s great!’ she said. But we both knew that it wouldn’t last. I hadn’t gotten into a real relationship for a while now. And even the people I did date I wasn’t really that interested in. I threw my arm around her. She took a zip of my drink. She stretched her legs. I couldn’t help but look, she looked damn sexy. She always look damn sexy. We started horsing around, having some childish fun. We we’re both quite childish. I had her locked in a grip on the bed when I let go, she was smiling at me, and said; ‘what that all you got, chicken.’  ‘well excuse me for not wanting to hurt you’ I said. I brushed her hair away with my hand and put on a real suave smile. Then I kissed her, it wasn’t something I had planned, I’m not even sure it was something I wanted. But it happened. I thought she would slap me, yell at me, but she didn’t she just let me kiss her for a while, god it seemed like hours. When we finally let go, and I could see her face, I saw how confused she was.

 After quite a while of awkward silence she spoke; ‘What the hell was that?!’ I cringed here it came, I had just fucked everything up. She went on; ‘I mean, all that time together you never showed… I mean how long, When?’ I looked her straight in the eye, she wasn’t smiling. You remember that time we we’re drunk and you cracked and had a mental breakdown? ‘yeah’ she said half smiling half angry. ‘Well while you lay there in my arms, smoking that cigarette like your life depended on it.’ She couldn’t help but laugh, it gave me a little more confidence, so I continued; ‘Well as you lay there all vulnerable and sad, well at that moment. I was falling madly in love with you.’ ‘well why did you never tell me’ she asked. ‘I was scared Zane, I was scared. And I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, it was too valuable for me to gamble with.’ 

‘And now you decide it is something worth gambling over?!’ I could see she was looking for a reason to be mad. Couldn’t blame the girl though. ‘look’ I said. ‘I thought it was just some sexual tension that I would get over it, but it got harder and harder, seeing you go out with other guys, guys who weren’t me. Talking to me about them. But I could still deal with it, as long as you were happy. It didn't matter how I felt. It’s just tonight I don’t know, I went all mad in the head. Couldn’t fight it no longer’ I said. ‘I’m so sorry’ 

 She said nothing for a while, neither did I. If I could I would have spontaneously combusted right there and then. We sat there for a little while when suddenly she said ‘Why?’ 

 ‘Why what?’ I asked. She looked at me with this weird face and said; ‘Why are you sorry?’ ‘Because I fucked up’ I said. ‘Maybe' she replied. Goddamn' she was killing me. ‘You’re an idiot you know that right?’  ‘I know’ I really was.  And then I found something to say back, but before the words got out, I saw Zane jumping me. She kissed me. I kissed her back. I was an idiot, a madman. A guy in love. What the hell is wrong with me.