Idiot

The World does funny things to a man. It can take forever, but once your eyes are open, once something has been seen. It can’t be unseen. This image, this idea, it spreads through you like a virus. It may start out real small, this nagging feeling in the back of your head trying to tell you something. But at some point it takes over your thoughts.

 I take a long good draw from my cigarette, looking at the girl sitting on the bed next to me, my friend. I’ve know her for a while now, hell, sometimes it feels like I’ve known her most of my life. We weren’t talking to each other. Not because we we’re in a stiff or something. It was just that neither of us knew what to say. She’d just came by out of the blue tonight. She never did that. But it was a pleasant surprise. I finished my smoke, poured myself a drink and went to sit next to her on the bed. Although she wasn’t here just to visit lonesome old me. No, she was here because I’m the only one that got what she was going through that didn’t judge her, or ask stupid questions just to satisfy my own damn curiosity.
 She smiled at me, god she had a beautiful smile. ‘I love you, I told her.’ I wasn’t lying either. ‘I know you do.’ she said ‘I love you to’. That made me smile, I wasn’t told that a lot, besides from my mum of course. ‘Anyhow, how’s the old love life going.’ She asked. I told her about this guy I had a date with, and this girl I’ve kind of been seeing. ‘That’s great!’ she said. But we both knew that it wouldn’t last. I hadn’t gotten into a real relationship for a while now. And even the people I did date I wasn’t really that interested in. I threw my arm around her. She took a zip of my drink. She stretched her legs. I couldn’t help but look, she looked damn sexy. She always look damn sexy. We started horsing around, having some childish fun. We we’re both quite childish. I had her locked in a grip on the bed when I let go, she was smiling at me, and said; ‘what that all you got, chicken.’  ‘well excuse me for not wanting to hurt you’ I said. I brushed her hair away with my hand and put on a real suave smile. Then I kissed her, it wasn’t something I had planned, I’m not even sure it was something I wanted. But it happened. I thought she would slap me, yell at me, but she didn’t she just let me kiss her for a while, god it seemed like hours. When we finally let go, and I could see her face, I saw how confused she was.

 After quite a while of awkward silence she spoke; ‘What the hell was that?!’ I cringed here it came, I had just fucked everything up. She went on; ‘I mean, all that time together you never showed… I mean how long, When?’ I looked her straight in the eye, she wasn’t smiling. You remember that time we we’re drunk and you cracked and had a mental breakdown? ‘yeah’ she said half smiling half angry. ‘Well while you lay there in my arms, smoking that cigarette like your life depended on it.’ She couldn’t help but laugh, it gave me a little more confidence, so I continued; ‘Well as you lay there all vulnerable and sad, well at that moment. I was falling madly in love with you.’ ‘well why did you never tell me’ she asked. ‘I was scared Zane, I was scared. And I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, it was too valuable for me to gamble with.’ 

‘And now you decide it is something worth gambling over?!’ I could see she was looking for a reason to be mad. Couldn’t blame the girl though. ‘look’ I said. ‘I thought it was just some sexual tension that I would get over it, but it got harder and harder, seeing you go out with other guys, guys who weren’t me. Talking to me about them. But I could still deal with it, as long as you were happy. It didn't matter how I felt. It’s just tonight I don’t know, I went all mad in the head. Couldn’t fight it no longer’ I said. ‘I’m so sorry’ 

 She said nothing for a while, neither did I. If I could I would have spontaneously combusted right there and then. We sat there for a little while when suddenly she said ‘Why?’ 

 ‘Why what?’ I asked. She looked at me with this weird face and said; ‘Why are you sorry?’ ‘Because I fucked up’ I said. ‘Maybe' she replied. Goddamn' she was killing me. ‘You’re an idiot you know that right?’  ‘I know’ I really was.  And then I found something to say back, but before the words got out, I saw Zane jumping me. She kissed me. I kissed her back. I was an idiot, a madman. A guy in love. What the hell is wrong with me. 

End of a song.

The Sky is getting dark, I only have half a bottle of jack left, not much use out here. Should’ve been more careful, should’ve been a lot of things. But my story is ending soon. All my aces have been played, my bluff’s been called. Don’t know how long I have to go, but it can’t be that long. It wasn’t always like this, there was a time when I was playing high stakes, I used to think myself a hero. Now look at me, nothing more than a lone wanderer, a forgotten soul. How did I get here, was I so blinded by arrogance I that I tripped, was it just a stroke of bad luck, or maybe all the bad I did finally catching up with me. Or maybe, just maybe, the game I was playing was rigged from the moment it began. I don’t know the answer, and I don’t think I want too. My song is coming to an end. And honestly I don’t want to go..

Sleep now

There she lies, my sleeping beauty. Forever since she’s seen the stars. So long has she been trapped, not anymore, now she can finally rest. I Couldn’t save her in the end, believe me I’ve tried. I fought for her, I gave it all I had, but in the end. It didn’t matter. Her faith was dead-locked. And now I look back, and think if I knew what I know now. Would I fight it, or accepted it. The answer is simple really, I’d still fight it, I will always fight it. I owe her that. As her final breath fades away, I whisper in her ears: You’re not falling love, you’re Flying. The light dies out, she is at peace, she can rest. I can’t, that’s my faith.

Watchman

He’s just a drifter, a lost soul, a bum waiting for the end. Day to day, just waiting, drifting. Alone, forever. And identity made up of many faces, many lies, and many fears. Unable to sit still, to breath, to live. No one to slow him down, or to point him in the right direction.  He has no idea where he is from, or where he will go, He doesn’t even have an idea of where he is. It might as well be oblivion for all that matters. Some call him the lonely angel, but they don’t know him. Don’t know his fury, even though he almost never raises his voice, every inch of him is screaming on the inside, driving him mad piece by piece. All with the sounds of drums he can never get out of his head, always a series of tree taps. Repeating endlessly. Screaming, shouting, fighting to get out. But you could never tell. He keeps it all inside. The darkness is coming, the silence will fall. He lays his head and hand against the wall, hoping, that somewhere far away, in another land, or another world, she is doing the same. His Companion. His fire. He is alone, watching, waiting.

(Pocket Watch)

truth or dare

A while ago, in my long and weary travels. I found myself in London for a few nights. I had just gotten a drink when I spotted someone who could use a friend. I walked up towards her table, maneuvering across the dancing couples, but when I had finally gotten there. She had disappeared. I made my way outside, maybe a walk by the Thames river, would do me some good. I had been going for a while now, it’s been so long I could barely remember why I was running. “But that’s my faith isn’t it, always helping others, never helping myself.” After a few minutes, I saw some people at the docks. And there she was, the moonlight reflecting of her. Seemed almost angelic. I saw her get on a boat, and sail away. That’s when our eyes met, and I realized I knew her. A girl from my past. Gerdien. A smile came over my face as she waved to me. I waved back. Wouldn’t see her again I thought, I was wrong. One month later in Los Angeles there she was, singing in some lounge café. When the piano stopped playing, and she stopped singing, I walked over there, bought her a drink. And we spend the rest of the night talking about the good old times. About how she landed a big acting job. And about that one time we played a little game, a little game of truth or dare.

Here's to you

Look at you, you are so old, and yet so young. Look at what you have learned, what you still might learn. Look at where you’ve been, what you have seen. Look at how beautiful you are, have you lost weight? Look at the people who care about you, there a nice lot, aren’t they. And look around, isn’t it beautiful. I mean you could be looking at a grey wall and it would still look fantastic. Why don’t you grab a beer? Go on! You only live once you know. (At least I think you only do) Look at you, you’re alive, so have that beer and let’s make a toast. Here’s to you, kid.

Look at you, you are so old, and yet so young. Look at what you have learned, what you still might learn. Look at where you’ve been, what you have seen. Look at how beautiful you are, have you lost weight? Look at the people who care about you, there a nice lot, aren’t they. And look around, isn’t it beautiful. I mean you could be looking at a grey wall and it would still look fantastic. Why don’t you grab a beer? Go on! You only live once you know. (At least I think you only do) Look at you, you’re alive, so have that beer and let’s make a toast. Here’s to you, kid.