Idiot

The World does funny things to a man. It can take forever, but once your eyes are open, once something has been seen. It can’t be unseen. This image, this idea, it spreads through you like a virus. It may start out real small, this nagging feeling in the back of your head trying to tell you something. But at some point it takes over your thoughts.

 I take a long good draw from my cigarette, looking at the girl sitting on the bed next to me, my friend. I’ve know her for a while now, hell, sometimes it feels like I’ve known her most of my life. We weren’t talking to each other. Not because we we’re in a stiff or something. It was just that neither of us knew what to say. She’d just came by out of the blue tonight. She never did that. But it was a pleasant surprise. I finished my smoke, poured myself a drink and went to sit next to her on the bed. Although she wasn’t here just to visit lonesome old me. No, she was here because I’m the only one that got what she was going through that didn’t judge her, or ask stupid questions just to satisfy my own damn curiosity.
 She smiled at me, god she had a beautiful smile. ‘I love you, I told her.’ I wasn’t lying either. ‘I know you do.’ she said ‘I love you to’. That made me smile, I wasn’t told that a lot, besides from my mum of course. ‘Anyhow, how’s the old love life going.’ She asked. I told her about this guy I had a date with, and this girl I’ve kind of been seeing. ‘That’s great!’ she said. But we both knew that it wouldn’t last. I hadn’t gotten into a real relationship for a while now. And even the people I did date I wasn’t really that interested in. I threw my arm around her. She took a zip of my drink. She stretched her legs. I couldn’t help but look, she looked damn sexy. She always look damn sexy. We started horsing around, having some childish fun. We we’re both quite childish. I had her locked in a grip on the bed when I let go, she was smiling at me, and said; ‘what that all you got, chicken.’  ‘well excuse me for not wanting to hurt you’ I said. I brushed her hair away with my hand and put on a real suave smile. Then I kissed her, it wasn’t something I had planned, I’m not even sure it was something I wanted. But it happened. I thought she would slap me, yell at me, but she didn’t she just let me kiss her for a while, god it seemed like hours. When we finally let go, and I could see her face, I saw how confused she was.

 After quite a while of awkward silence she spoke; ‘What the hell was that?!’ I cringed here it came, I had just fucked everything up. She went on; ‘I mean, all that time together you never showed… I mean how long, When?’ I looked her straight in the eye, she wasn’t smiling. You remember that time we we’re drunk and you cracked and had a mental breakdown? ‘yeah’ she said half smiling half angry. ‘Well while you lay there in my arms, smoking that cigarette like your life depended on it.’ She couldn’t help but laugh, it gave me a little more confidence, so I continued; ‘Well as you lay there all vulnerable and sad, well at that moment. I was falling madly in love with you.’ ‘well why did you never tell me’ she asked. ‘I was scared Zane, I was scared. And I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, it was too valuable for me to gamble with.’ 

‘And now you decide it is something worth gambling over?!’ I could see she was looking for a reason to be mad. Couldn’t blame the girl though. ‘look’ I said. ‘I thought it was just some sexual tension that I would get over it, but it got harder and harder, seeing you go out with other guys, guys who weren’t me. Talking to me about them. But I could still deal with it, as long as you were happy. It didn't matter how I felt. It’s just tonight I don’t know, I went all mad in the head. Couldn’t fight it no longer’ I said. ‘I’m so sorry’ 

 She said nothing for a while, neither did I. If I could I would have spontaneously combusted right there and then. We sat there for a little while when suddenly she said ‘Why?’ 

 ‘Why what?’ I asked. She looked at me with this weird face and said; ‘Why are you sorry?’ ‘Because I fucked up’ I said. ‘Maybe' she replied. Goddamn' she was killing me. ‘You’re an idiot you know that right?’  ‘I know’ I really was.  And then I found something to say back, but before the words got out, I saw Zane jumping me. She kissed me. I kissed her back. I was an idiot, a madman. A guy in love. What the hell is wrong with me. 

End of a song.

The Sky is getting dark, I only have half a bottle of jack left, not much use out here. Should’ve been more careful, should’ve been a lot of things. But my story is ending soon. All my aces have been played, my bluff’s been called. Don’t know how long I have to go, but it can’t be that long. It wasn’t always like this, there was a time when I was playing high stakes, I used to think myself a hero. Now look at me, nothing more than a lone wanderer, a forgotten soul. How did I get here, was I so blinded by arrogance I that I tripped, was it just a stroke of bad luck, or maybe all the bad I did finally catching up with me. Or maybe, just maybe, the game I was playing was rigged from the moment it began. I don’t know the answer, and I don’t think I want too. My song is coming to an end. And honestly I don’t want to go..

Sleep now

There she lies, my sleeping beauty. Forever since she’s seen the stars. So long has she been trapped, not anymore, now she can finally rest. I Couldn’t save her in the end, believe me I’ve tried. I fought for her, I gave it all I had, but in the end. It didn’t matter. Her faith was dead-locked. And now I look back, and think if I knew what I know now. Would I fight it, or accepted it. The answer is simple really, I’d still fight it, I will always fight it. I owe her that. As her final breath fades away, I whisper in her ears: You’re not falling love, you’re Flying. The light dies out, she is at peace, she can rest. I can’t, that’s my faith.

Watchman

He’s just a drifter, a lost soul, a bum waiting for the end. Day to day, just waiting, drifting. Alone, forever. And identity made up of many faces, many lies, and many fears. Unable to sit still, to breath, to live. No one to slow him down, or to point him in the right direction.  He has no idea where he is from, or where he will go, He doesn’t even have an idea of where he is. It might as well be oblivion for all that matters. Some call him the lonely angel, but they don’t know him. Don’t know his fury, even though he almost never raises his voice, every inch of him is screaming on the inside, driving him mad piece by piece. All with the sounds of drums he can never get out of his head, always a series of tree taps. Repeating endlessly. Screaming, shouting, fighting to get out. But you could never tell. He keeps it all inside. The darkness is coming, the silence will fall. He lays his head and hand against the wall, hoping, that somewhere far away, in another land, or another world, she is doing the same. His Companion. His fire. He is alone, watching, waiting.

(Pocket Watch)

truth or dare

A while ago, in my long and weary travels. I found myself in London for a few nights. I had just gotten a drink when I spotted someone who could use a friend. I walked up towards her table, maneuvering across the dancing couples, but when I had finally gotten there. She had disappeared. I made my way outside, maybe a walk by the Thames river, would do me some good. I had been going for a while now, it’s been so long I could barely remember why I was running. “But that’s my faith isn’t it, always helping others, never helping myself.” After a few minutes, I saw some people at the docks. And there she was, the moonlight reflecting of her. Seemed almost angelic. I saw her get on a boat, and sail away. That’s when our eyes met, and I realized I knew her. A girl from my past. Gerdien. A smile came over my face as she waved to me. I waved back. Wouldn’t see her again I thought, I was wrong. One month later in Los Angeles there she was, singing in some lounge café. When the piano stopped playing, and she stopped singing, I walked over there, bought her a drink. And we spend the rest of the night talking about the good old times. About how she landed a big acting job. And about that one time we played a little game, a little game of truth or dare.

Here's to you

Look at you, you are so old, and yet so young. Look at what you have learned, what you still might learn. Look at where you’ve been, what you have seen. Look at how beautiful you are, have you lost weight? Look at the people who care about you, there a nice lot, aren’t they. And look around, isn’t it beautiful. I mean you could be looking at a grey wall and it would still look fantastic. Why don’t you grab a beer? Go on! You only live once you know. (At least I think you only do) Look at you, you’re alive, so have that beer and let’s make a toast. Here’s to you, kid.

Look at you, you are so old, and yet so young. Look at what you have learned, what you still might learn. Look at where you’ve been, what you have seen. Look at how beautiful you are, have you lost weight? Look at the people who care about you, there a nice lot, aren’t they. And look around, isn’t it beautiful. I mean you could be looking at a grey wall and it would still look fantastic. Why don’t you grab a beer? Go on! You only live once you know. (At least I think you only do) Look at you, you’re alive, so have that beer and let’s make a toast. Here’s to you, kid.

We'll

“See you soon”, words that hold little meaning. People staring at you, judging every move you make. Let them stare, let them glare. Just keep breathing, keep moving. You’re always there, and you’re never there. Can you feel it? The earth moving at a thousand miles an hour, spinning around a star, in an universe that keeps expanding. I can. “We move around, dancing, like our lives depend upon it, why? Don’t know, don’t care, I look at the sky, and think; don’t you ever stop the music.” I’ve had many companions, many friends, no one stayed. I moved on, they moved on. Yet I keep my head high, and say: we’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when. But we’ll meet again one sunny day. 

Home (Zane)

Put me on a train, Take me away. If it’s Rome, London, Paris or Amsterdam. Wherever I am, I’ll call it home. Let me fly far and high, take me across the sky’s. To distant lands and unseen worlds. Let me go Home, Home is wherever I’m with you. “Hey, do you remember sitting next to me in the bus? That moment you laid your head on my shoulder that’s when I knew, that’s when I started loving you. Or maybe it was a dream?” New York, Venice, and Mexico that’s where I want to take you. Follow me into the dark, through the forest onto a hill. We’ll sit there and watch the sun rise. Step with me onto a boat, and sail with me through the canals. Venice is nice, but not as nice as you. “You know, I never liked Holland, I don’t want to die here, you are my world. So take me home, home is wherever I’m with you.” Madrid, Florence and Tokyo. “Darling, pack your bags, tonight we drive away, tonight we escape, free until we die!” Home, let me go home, home is wherever I’m with you.

The Man In Black

A Darkness fell down, shrouding my home town.
While a storm raged, showing mercy to none.
I had lost much today, Felt lost and alone.
Saw the Devil in the eyes, But I held on to my own.
And the fire in my soul, Light up the way for me.
And a man in dressed in black, Scarred me back on the path.

Though my feet where tired, And darkness filled my eyes
I knew I was safe, I knew that it’ll be alright.
The music of the storm, let me knew that I had myself.
I thanked the man in black, for he put me back on track.

Through the trees shined a light, bright as a neon sign
I saw it was the moon, lighting up my path.
My old friend Jack came along, keeping my throat warm.
I looked at a field, and a large creature appeared.
Was horse white as light, It’s appearance made me smile.
As fast as it had come, it was gone from my sight.

Though my feet where tired, And darkness filled my eyes
I knew I was safe, I knew that it’ll be alright.
The music of the storm, let me knew that I had myself.
I thanked the man in black, for he put me back on track.

Though my heart cried, My eyes where dry.
I had made my own choice, Years ago.
I would pick the fruit, and get banished from Eden.
For knowledge was my desire, and the pain was my sacrifice.
Home was nearby, I wouldn’t be long till I was there.
And from a distance I saw, the man in black checking up on me.

Though my feet where tired, And darkness filled my eyes
I knew I was safe, I knew that it’ll be alright.
The music of the storm, let me knew that I had myself.
I thanked the man in black, for he put me back on track.
Aw yes the man in black, he put me back on track.

Now I look at the sky, and the storm is all gone.
And I raise my glass, and say: Thank you John!

Tuesday

The Strangest thing happened to me today. While sitting in class, a girl sitting next to me had a meltdown, and broke into a thousand pieces, scattered all over the floor. Which was quite a shame, because I’m sure the cleaning lady did her best cleaning that floor on Monday. So I sat down on the floor and began to put together the pieces of the girl again. This seemed like a large task to do on my own, but luckily Rutger came by with some industrial magic glue. And we started to put this human jigsaw puzzle back together. What seemed like an eternity but was only 15 minutes later, and we we’re finished. When the last peace was placed in its place with surgical precision the girl opened her eyes. She thanked me and Rutger for what we had done and granted us both one wish. I immediately wished for a pair of socks. The girl looked at me like I was some sort of madman, so I explained that the lepricons living in my washing machine, always stole my socks to use as sleeping bags. After I had gotten my socks, Rutger wished for a swing set. Not long after that, the school day finished and I returned home, with warm feet. And I always thought that finishing a puzzle was its own reward.

Monday

While taking a quite nap during class, dreaming of my bellybutton. I was rudely awakened by a man trying to eat me, when my vision had fully returned to me I saw that it wasn’t a man. But a Tiger-zombie. When I dispatched of the zombie and made my way in to the hallway I saw that the whole school had been taken over. Being without arms once again and no clear route of escape I hid inside a shoe. But the disguise failed and the Tiger-zombies sniffed me out. Just when I had given up hope and accepted the fact that I would never see my parents Boone and my staircase again. This Red Haired warrior woman came slashing her way through the zombies with a sword as long as my legs. I’m not very small, so it was a very big sword. When she stopped slashing and all the Tiger-zombies in sight where either dead or close to it. I saw that the Amazon who had just saved me, was this girl I knew named Eva. We walked around for a bit until I saw a husky, but it turned out to be Roy. So I didn’t care much. Finally we spotted a portal of sorts. When I walked out of it, I discovered that I wasn’t actually in school just now, but in an alternant reality hidden inside a teachers’ lounge chair. While walking toward the cafeteria, I started to think, Why do Mondays always have to be so hectic I wondered, but no answer came to mind. Aw well, that was my Monday really, quite uneventful as you can see. 

Just another sunday.

So it all started with a walk by the water. A vortex opened before my feet. I’d say I’m an adventures type so I jumped in. When the brightness cleared I found myself in a dark derelict wasteland. It seemed ravaged by nuclear war. As I walked around a bit I spotted a human settlement. As I made my way to the gate a giant scorpion came running after me, being unarmed I made conversation with the creature in the hopes he was good natured. As it turned out he was, he was a local teacher at the settlement I was heading for. When I walked through the gate I saw a beautiful woman, she told me that I was sent there to help them rebuild civilization as their leader. I said I didn’t care much for their future and jumped through a vortex that had just opened. I found myself back at the waterside. I didn't really want a life filled with happiness and importance. That was my day really. What a fantastic day I thought to myself, what a fantastic day indeed.

Het Internet

Het Internet, we hebben er allemaal mee te maken. Het heeft zich zo geïntegreerd in de hedendaagse globale maatschappij dat we afhankelijk zijn geworden. Bijna iedereen maakt wel gebruik van diensten als YouTube, Facebook en Twitter, en door deze media wordt de wereld steeds kleiner. Mensen in een ander land zijn ineens steeds minder vreemd. Je kunt bijna zeggen dat het ons samen brengt, nee sterker nog: je kunt dat zeggen. Het internet zelf is uiteindelijk gewoon een land, een natie of een samenleving. Niet een natie die land bezit, die belasting eist, maar een land waar iedereen in de basis gelijk is en dus zijn eigen positie hier in moet vinden. Een land waar informatie vrij gedeeld wordt, waar alles om informatie draait, alles is open voor iedereen en zo kun je ongelofelijke hoeveelheden kennis opdoen op het net. De mensen met macht zijn ook de mensen met informatie. 

Nu loopt de openheid en neutraliteit van het internet gevaar. Critici beweren dat het gevaarlijk is en het menselijke contact verslechterd en meerdere regeringen zoals de VS en China proberen het te beheersen.
Maar dat zou niet iets goeds zijn, want het is juist die vrijheid van informatie die ervoor zorgt dat het internet een werkende en snelgroeiende samenleving is. Het internet brengt ook juist mensen samen door landsgrenzen en cultuur te negeren en in basis iedereen op gelijke voet met elkaar te laten communiceren. 

En nu woed dus de strijd om het internet. Als de critici winnen, dan kunnen we de vrijheid gedag zeggen en zijn de mensen een stap dichter bij een Orwell achtige dystopie. Maar ik betwijfel of het ze lukt de  ‘Anarchisten van het web’ te verslaan. Want uiteindelijk krijgen ze dan te maken met de terugslag van hun eigen inwoners, en al is de man zeldzaam die de status quo durft te verstoren, onderdrukking leidt uiteindelijk tot revolutie. Maar voornamelijk denk ik dat het ze niet lukt, omdat het internet een globaal iets is. Eén land zal het nooit kunnen beheersen en in de huidige wereld van globalisatie kun je niet meer los van de wereld zijn, je kunt niet meer niet meedoen met de rest. Zelfs Amerika zal niet de wereld kunnen beheersen en buitensluiten tegelijkertijd.

 
Er woed nu een oorlog; om het internet en uiteindelijk om onze vrijheid. De soldaten, dat zijn wij, iedereen die gebruikt maakt van het internet. Maar aan welke kant je staat bepaal je uiteindelijk zelf. Ik hoop alleen dat je goed nadenkt over hoe jij de toekomst wil zien, want uiteindelijk is dat ook de kracht van het internet; één man met een idee, kan de wereld veranderen.

Zomer Nostalgie

Het  was hartje zomer, en ik hoefde nergens heen, ik had geen verplichtingen. Het was warm echt warm, maar de avonden waren heerlijk. Daar zat ik in een tuinstoel, mijn voeten op een tafeltje. Genietend met een biertje in mijn hand van een prachtige zonsondergang. Uit mijn laptop die buiten stond draaide de orgels van Procol Harum. Ik vroeg me af wat iedereen die ik kon nu deed, en in mijn fantasie zag ik hoe de camera die van bovenaf mij bekeek, bij andere mensen over de hoofden ging. Sommigen eenzaam in hun kamer, anderen plezier aan het maken. Sommigen lagen vast al te slapen. Terwijl anderen de liefde vonden. Iedereen had zijn verhaal. Iedereen had zijn zomer. En zo kwam de camera weer bij mij. Ik had net nog Grease liedjes gecorrespondeerd met een Grunninger over twitter. Ik stond op ging in de hangmat liggen. Deed mijn cowboy-hoed over mijn ogen. En droomde weg. 

Het leven in een flits,

Het begint met een wit licht je bent geboren, Jonge, Meisje,
Je leert te lopen, praten hoeft niet in de volgorde,
Ben je links ben je recht je moet worden ingedeeld,
Tijd voor school, kennis is misschien macht maar dan moet je eerst leren,
Leren, Leren, Leren, Dan ben je ouder tijd voor de grote school heb je wat geleerd?
Sociale druk, Wie ben je wat ben je bij wie hoor je, alles word bepaalt,
Je moet leren je toekomst weten plannen, je weet niks.
Examen tijd leren, leren, leren, wat maakt het uit je vergeet het toch.
Tijd voor de toekomst, meer leren kennis opdoen tot je dood bent.
Hollen voor de bus, je leven is in een flits voorbij,
Je bent volwassen tijd om verantwoordelijk te zijn,
Vind een baan, sticht een gezin, met je vrijheid is het gedaan,
Je hebt hopen, dromen, je wacht je tijd af,
en dan ben je oud, je dromen vergaand goud,
Dan is het wachten op het laatste dat nog rest,
Wachten op het avontuur van de eeuwige rust,